new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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