my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
