my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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