saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I think i got beer on your cat.
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