My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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