I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
