Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
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