i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
