If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
