She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
