i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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