I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
