I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
