I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Found your dick twin last night
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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