I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
