I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
