Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
