i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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