my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
