Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
