I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
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