today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
