I accidentally burped into my bong.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
