when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
