Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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