Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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