rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
