Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
