I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
