I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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