I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
