Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
this is an emotional support booty call
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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