I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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