I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
