You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
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Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
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Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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