When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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