I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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