Me. At least after what I've been through.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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