I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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