my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
