two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I think my moral compass just broke
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
