you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Text me some of your sweat
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
