party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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