Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
