I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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