DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
