Pants 0. Shit 1.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
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That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
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I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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