Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Is Oprah even human
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
