last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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