I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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