I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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