I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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