so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
