How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
and you fell through a lawn chair
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My apartment stinks of burning failure
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
