Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
